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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Return of the Blogger

Well, it's been a while since my last post.  I'm reminded of the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intention".  I've certainly meant to post sooner, but here I am.  Since I last posted a lot has happened.  Some good, some bad. 
My dear friend, who is also engaged to an inmate, suddenly lost one of her closest friends.  She died suddenly in her 30's.  On a business trip.  On the other end of the spectrum a very dear man who I work with passed away from cancer a week ago.  He was loved by many.  I was not so close with him, but many I work with were.  It seems like when this happens, of course, we are all reminded of "what's really important".  But, it really has had me thinking about KC, and our relationship.  Tomorrow is promised to no one.  So, what if I had a crystal ball and I knew that one of us would not be making it to his new life, beginning in, give or take, 16 1/2 years upon his release from prison.  That piece of information is so huge that, I do feel even if I could have access to that information, I would never want to know it.  Ever.  But when pondering this thought, which is basically "if things don't work out the way we "plan", will I have regret for my decision to have loved a man in prison?"  I truly believe that I am, if nothing else, blessed with the capacity to be brutally honest with myself.  No body can ever really know how one will feel in a certain situation until/if one is ever in that situation.  But with my whole heart and mind I believe in our love.  I know that it is real, and it has been a life changing love for both of us.  I don't sit here thinking about the future but on passing occasion.  I accept my relationship as it is.  And I appreciate what I do have with the man that I love.  Certainly there are things lacking that render this type of relationship intolerable by 99% of the free world, and wouldn't consider it.  But what I am and who I am with his love in my life outweighs what he cannot give me right now.  It is in these moments of pondering life that I am able to have faith in us.  It is through the experience of loss that I am provided with the sense of deeper acceptance of my choices.  I am not engaged to an idea 16 1/2 years into the future.  I am engaged to a man in prison and eyes wide open, I know what that means.  I choose this.  It is my love for him and the positive effects his love has on me that fuels my faith in us.

Now, onto a KC update.  I did leave a quick comment, but believe it deserves "front blog" news status.  KC was brought up on an "ad seg hearing" which means they considered putting him in ad seg, simply because in the last state he was in, he was in solitary for over a decade.  The logic on THAT defies me for sure.  But, luckily, he was successful in his hearing and was given "yard" status.  It is with an ear to ear grin that I report that he has now been on a yard for almost two months, event free!  The transition out of the living dead into a more "lively" setting has posed challenges for KC.  He struggles with loud noises and feelings of needing to be alone.  However, he has been able to handle the situation and most importantly, his actions and thought when facing those challenges.  Details on his successful transition back to a yard constitutes its own entry for sure.  But I wanted to post an update on that.

And now, onto the good news!  It's that time.  Visit time.  In just a few short days I'll leave the cold and snow behind for cold and snow in a different state!  This will be my first visit to the state he is in.  In fact, this visit represents so many firsts.  This will be our first contact visit.  Our visits used to be 2 hours, behind glass, and now they are 5.5 hours with nothing between us.  I haven't been to see KC in 14 months, due mainly to his transfer (which we anticipated).  We have never gone this long without seeing each other and so I know we are both very nervous and excited.  That pretty much is where KC and I are today.  All in all, a great place.

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