Well, because of KC's recent situation, I decided it was time to seek professional help. That's right, a therapist. Try to sort out my feelings, try to figure out what is real emotion, and what thought processes will only cause me to spin my wheels. It has been somewhat beneficial to see this therapist. But, yesterday I walked in to that office on a mission. I finally KNEW what I needed him to help me figure out. You see, KC's "out date" is in question now, and he's potentially facing some pretty big new charges. So, I explained to the therapist I needed him to tell me how to "give up on hope", on the hope of our "happily ever after" in 17 years. Let me be clear, I have NEVER been one to put too much thought into his release. Occasional thought, yes, but just a passing day dream. It is not normal to think obsessively about years down the road. So, I felt that learning how NOT to have hope would get me on the road to accepting this situation. It turns out, I was wrong. That's not the road to acceptance, but rather the grieving process, says my therapist. I'm willing to put a little trust in that, since I am not a trained therapist! He gave me an example of hope, he broke it down for me, and I get it now. He said imagine a Mom with a kid who is terminally ill sitting by the bedside of her child. The doctor's have told this Mom that her child will die soon. The Mom will always refuse to believe, because that would entail giving up all hope. He told me that having hope in even the most impossible situations is human nature. So, for that reason he encouraged me NOT to give up hope. Ever. Interesting thought to ponder! I know some women holding their men down who have life sentences and I have often found myself wondering "Why do they do that? There's no chance they will have a life together out here?" So now I see things from a different perspective, and what I thought was the answer indeed, is not. We ran out of time before he could give me the definitive answer, maybe next session! Or, maybe I'll just have to talk my way through this and figure it out through a slow process. Ya, that's it.
In the past 3 weeks I have discovered so much about myself. Things that you only find out about yourself when you go through such a major trauma. The details of what has happened with KC will be forthcoming when the time is right. With charges potentially pending, this is not the time. I remember when I was young, in my early 20's, the world seemed so black and white. Things were almost binary. The older I get the black and white seems to fade more with each passing experience and day, to shades of grey. As I have gone through the process of learning what happened three weeks ago, I have found myself wondering what the long and windy road is that got KC to where he is now. Initially, it's comforting to have the "black" and "white" and the "wrong" and "rights". But as time passes I see that there are so many things that have led us to the situation we are in now. For the time being, I have been successful at holding the "what if's" at bay. I'm sure they will pop back up again. But, I'm enjoying their hiatus. What I have learned about myself is that I fell in love with a man. I believe in him, and I believe in his true and sincere love for me. There have never been any guarantees about our "happily ever after". So, what this looks like when the dust settles months, or years down the road, I've no idea. One lesson I learned recently is quit trying to write/plan every detail about my future. I've realized that I don't have as much control over even my own future as I thought. I know that who I am, and who KC is makes it impossible for me to walk away. I am steadfast in staying by his side. I will help get him through his recent set back. Another thing I realized lately, I won't change him with love. But I will love him as he is, and support him. That is my role.
There's my random thoughts for the day. KC sits in solitary for his 23rd day now. And despite his situation, he even has hope. Here's his words from a recent letter. His words provide me with peace, they help me realize where he is at mentally, which helps me and provides me some comfort:
"Life does not end just because you are in prison. There is so much more to life than the physical aspect of things. I lock very forward to my future goals, no matter where I am."